Broken Again

We lay in bed with disappointment and anxiety, she walks away and changes into her pjs. I laid there like nothing happened, continue to watch T.V. and blocking out what just happened. She lays next to me and faces the wall, we look at each other for a glance and I turn away. She exercises while I fall asleep, she stays deep into the night, just sitting around, sleeping on the floor, walking around, preparing her clothes and with that she disappears in the morning. First time ever, I didn't walk her out. I felt a stab to my stomach, it's really over.
I haven't really felt this feeling for a while. It's a little refreshing and a little bit awkward. I've really forgotten how to handle this situation, do I walk around the block and cry it off? or do I stay at home, try to suffocate myself, get hungry and hit up a nearby Wendy's? I will probably call a random person on my phonebook in the middle of doing the first option. I never thought sex was ever an important part of a relationship even though I thought that, I pushed for it and made it the reason for this heart break. It really didn't hit me that were not together until I came home and saw the note you left me.
 
It's ironic, the ring and the farewell. I thought it meant eternity, but it's really true "nothing lasts forever" and I really did believe that we would get married and have a house, 3 kids a husky and a cat. I would still have my Maria and you would have some type of Lexus. We were suppose to move to Europe for the universal health care. You were suppose to be the pharmacist and I would be the technician that mooched off your degree. Despite all that I really believed that you did not need me. You were a tough one when we first dated and over the months you got weaker with a man. You let your wall down and I just fucked with it. I put your stuff in places where it didn't belong. I hurt you so much, I'm not sure how you kept loving me, loving me was such negative reciprocity. To tell you the truth, I never loved you as much as you loved me. After 4 girlfriends, I lost the meaning of love and I'm sorry you had to deal with my shit. You deserved a much better first boyfriend. I'm sorry for taking your innocence, I hope your love stays pure.

"The hottest love has the coldest end."
-Socrates

Who actually checks their dashboard and read other peoples blogs here? 

Lost Friends

It's sad, I bitch about it all the time, I just can't get over it. I see everyone moving on without me, I stand here with the spot light moving away from me. The world is a show and I'm still on the first episode. My friends are in their season finale and I just barely started my season premier. It's impossible to catch up to them, we will never be on the same level as we were back then. As hard as we will try, it won't happen. I've lost my friends and gained acquaintances. It's depressing. When we do hang out, I feel like this kid in his family.

It will never be the same.

Let it bang

I'm very insecure but, I can't tell anyone.

The lonely swordsman.

http://www.noob.us/humor/sunroof-fail/

I could watch this over and over and it will still be funny.

UPDATE

I don't know what I'm living for. Everything I put my soul into comes back at me with full vengeance. I can't get anything done right. What is the point of living when you know you will never be satisfied? I wake up in the morning just to get slapped by the cold hands of reality.

Just another shitty day.


The past couple of weeks

• I've been getting 3 hours of sleep for the past 3 days and I think I'm hallucinating 2pac at NBA games.
  
• I bought a Fuji Sun Dance bike.
• I got rear ended by a girl from my English class.
• I just finished a research paper, a report on gay marriages, a compare and contrast paper on me and my girlfriend, and a report on why the swine flu is stupid. Now my face is pale and looks like this because of coffee and red bull.
• I really really really really really really want to lower my car, throw some sway bars and maybe get a lip. There is someone on my forum selling a full set of springs a front sway bar for half of the original price and it's still new. It would be a steal of a buy BUT, I promised my girlfriend I wouldn't lower my car. I hate promises.
• I saw the pictures of Rhianna naked, the video of Jessica Biel stripping and a picture of Cassie in a provocative position. All in one day, my life is complete. Thank you MY.IS/PL.

• My cousins from Australia are over. They're pretty cute, here's a picture of one of them. This is the wanna be model.

Upcoming...
V20 Clubbing
AIDS Walk
Agenda Meeting Friday
May 19th Registration Opens
Finals..........

---

Goals

Car
Paint brake calibers.
Fix dashboard.
Buy new door plus new fender.
Fix trunk gap.
Save up for new paint job.

Bike
Buy a basket/rear holder thingie.
Buy a fender.
Buy new tubes/tires.

School
(Summer)Register for COMM 110 and BIO 100+ Lab
(Fall) SOC 180H, MATH 030, AST 100, PE 182, Foreign Language 180(Not Sure)

Nightmares and Day Dreams

Cold piece of metal cocked to the back of my head, loud orders to my mom, yelling at her to get on the ground, this shadowy figure in the back of me has all the power and control that I could even imagine. My mother screams to me, "Everything will be okay, just listen to whatever he says, be a good boy." I obey her orders not knowing what was happening. The shadow speaks in his rough raspy voice, "to go outside and call my oldest brother in. He says not to do anything stupid or he will shoot me in the back. I think in my mind, "what will he shoot me with? Guns don't hurt that much, at least not the ones I play with. They can't even stick on the windows!"
Obeying my mother, I go outside to the van and tell my oldest brother to come in. He walks in and is greeted with fear. I have never in my life, seen my brother so stricken with fear. The shadow tells my brother to go inside, pointing out this black metal gun. It did not look like the guns that I played with. It looked a bit small to be playing nerf wars with, where do you put all the ammo?
The shadow pushes me into the corner with my mom and brother. The shadow yells, "Is there anyone else out there?"
My mom cries, "No!" The shadow grabs my brother and I and takes us into a closet and tells us softly "if you try to run, I will kill your mother." He slams it in our faces, I hear my mom screaming, "what did you do to my sons?" She yells words I cannot understand and immediately it turns silent. I whisper to my brother "what is happening?" He tells me to shut up. I ask is "mom okay?" He holds on to me tight and tells me to be quiet. I start to hear rumbling in the living room. I hear my mom screaming "PLEASE, DON'T!" She screams and cries over and over "STOP IT!" It sounded like she was in deep pain. I start to cry my brother squeezes me harder and releases, he opens the closet door and runs out. It turns silent.
I hear two loud noises that hurt my ears alot. It was like someone slammed the door really hard. Twice. Someone opens the door and I am blinded by the light. That person grabs me and carries me outside to the van. It was my mom and brother running frantically to the van. She keeps telling us everything is going to be okay, everything is going to be okay.
My brother just shot my father.